Currently I am feeling a sense of dejavu in my relationship... A couple of things that happened long ago are repeating and I am trying my best not to get into any mistakes this time. This blog is not a whining blog but a document of my efforts to maintain self respect in the relationships. If anybody of you had found yourself similar to these situations and had tackled effectively, please share your insights in the comment.
I had a friend who liked me a lot... so much that "loved me" would be the apt word. We were a part of a gang of nice friends. Unfortunately he had a fall out with one of the common friends and wanted me to stop talking to that friend to prove that I value this guy a lot. Of course I value him a lot much more than any other friends but I couldn't find any logical reasoning in his request. All I saw was a whim with personal vengence on the common friend. I tried reasoning this dear friend that it is not fair just to cut down a friend on a whim but my friend was adamant. I had to stand up for myself that choosing the friends is a matter of prerogative and personal choice. It is more of a individual preferences that need not be influenced on the personal likes and dislikes of another person. The arguements and fights happened between me and my best friend and eventually we broke up. It is really sad that we are not in talking terms but I had to take up the tough stand atleast to protect my independence.
Another incident that happened is also with a friend Mohanasundaram, whom I liked a lot when I was in college. During a casual chat he said that there is a stone chain carved in the ceiling of the Tharamangalam temple near Salem. So I asked him to take me to that temple. He agreed but on the day of leaving to the temple, when I casually mentioned that we are leaving to Tharamangalam to one of my friends, he reprimanded me for "letting out the truth" in public. He said that there is an another friend who'll feel upset if he comes to know that Mohan had taken me to Tharamangalam temple. So according to him I must have told that we are going to my relative's house. I felt naked... Whenever I take any friends seriously in my life I shout from the rooftop that a friend had come in my life. Even though I don't expect the same from my friends I felt that my friendship didn't deserve this anonymity or hush-hush status. So I said that I don't want to go that temple anymore and left his house. I hadn't visited that temple after that and stopped expecting Mohan to take me anywhere with heads high.
Even though those incidents had happened years ago, in both the incidents I still standby with my decisions. In both the cases I don't think that I had egoistic problems but I stood up for my right, to protect my.... whats the right word????? தனி மனித சுதந்திரம். I feel that I am fair in expecting my space and a fair approval in my relationships.
Similar incidents are happening right now... and I am still taking the decision which I had taken years ago. A friend is demanding me to cut off myself from a couple of friends with whom I feel comfortable with and I am not meeting this demand because of which the relationship is facing a rough weather. In the replica of the second incident, I find my friend having some tough time in balancing me and his possessive old friend. He expects me not to display my affection in loud manner when his friend is around because his friend feels possessive about him. His logic is that his old friend gets the priority because he came much earlier in life. I find it bit funny and in both the cases there is a lack of understanding the concept of space in the relationships.
We all have people walking in and out of our lives ever since we are born... which means even before we entered in someone's life, there were people already in their life. Similarly when someone new comes in our life, we already have some others in our life. But if we had learnt to give everyone their space, life will be smooth and balanced, merry with more people. When we try to refuse acknowledging somebody in life but we want them, it is an insult to everyone involved. We are doing justice to none of the people involved. You try to make the existing friend believe that they are the ONLY important person but you want to have the new person also in life. As far as the new person concerned, by denying the acknowledgement you are refusing the legitimacy the relationship deserves... in simple words the new friend is a second class citizen deprived of self respect they ought to have.
Life is really simple when we start understanding the concept of spaces in the relationships. But in the society we live, every act to dominate somebody is termed as a sign of "ownness", and the meek surrendering yourself to the whims of the partner relationship is observed as the evidence of affection. If you try to co-habit with a sense of self respect, stand up for yourself, then you are cold blooded / ruthless in relationships. What kind of tag you feel comfortable wearing with is what decides your reaction in these kind of situations. If you are comfortable being subservient, go with the whims of your partner leaving your self respect behind and if being called as ruthless doesn't bother you, then exert your assertiveness.